Well, it’s been a while… But I’ve been busy looking for work and applying for jobs. Up until a few days ago, I really had nothing to report as far as side effects go, or improvement on my ADD… But for the last 4 or so days I’ve been depressed, unmotivated, unhappy with life and that feeling I’ve always feared “thoughts of suicide”..

I feel like life is shit and what’s the point of it!? And then i lay here of a night and fantasise over killing myself. A part of me knows that these aren’t my true feelings, and that something is wrong with the chemicals in my brain(I’m assuming because of the medication) but I still find all of these thoughts very alluring. I don’t know if I should be worrying about this, or if I should just forget about it, and wait for it to pass (If it ever does.)

I have definitely noticed a marked improvement on my attention to “business type of things”, But not sure if its worth it if I fantasise over ending my life?

My emotions have been very erratic of late. Just last night, someone said something mildly offending and I blew it way out of proportion and was a crying mess, then I started thinking about how hard life is, and then started to crumble and say in my head “I want my mum” over and over, I felt like a child… And the hardest thing is… I can’t have her, she’s dead. Then the thought of her being dead really hit me in the heart, right where it hurts! Although my mum has been dead for 6 and a half years; for the first time since she died, I came out of the fog (mentally) and had the true hard realisation, that She really is gone, and it just reinforced my thoughts and brought to surface a true awareness I have no one in this world. Does that make sense? I’m having trouble describing.

For some reason I’m eating excessively worse than my old self piggish ways … Put on several lbs/kilos. I’m now on a diet as of yesterday and already I feel like giving it up. Food makes me feel happy or in a state of pleasure, without that, I’m a cranky, miserable sad person. That combined with my already depressed mental state, well it just makes things worse. But the fact that I’m overweight makes me depressed. It’s a lose-lose situation. I’m losing everything EXCEPT my weight!

I feel overwhelmed by motherhood and feel like I fail to be a great mum like my mother was. I disappoint myself everyday. And even though I miss my mother so dearly, at least she’s not here on earth to witness my downhill mental spiral.

I know it’s a stupid question and its very cliche… But WHY ME? I always ask myself. Why did MY mother have to die!? She left me alone in this world at 17. I often wonder how I would be mentally ‘today’ if she never died? Would I be normal?

Still living on this earth is my father. He has barely rang me on the phone 10 times in my 24 years of life. Most contact with him has been me chasing him, chasing for his love and guidance.. I guess he should have never been a father. He’s mentally ill too, so I can’t blame him entirely for his almost complete absence in my life. I have made recent attempts to get in contact with him and fill that void of not having a parent, but it was all in vain.

Anyways, I’m sure you all don’t want to hear my depressing rant any longer. Hopefully another day I’ll be able to post a happier update.

Take care.

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